Considerable expectations on a day to day basis.

Probably the last I'll post in another 9 weeks

2009-08-08T08:58:41Z

but I'm really, really happy.

hey

2009-06-05T09:32:34Z

people fucking piss me off.

if you can't say anything nice, then don't say an effing thing. Because I really just don't give a fuck. especially if you reply anonymous. and its out of insecurity.

At least 'Taylor BoBaylor' had enough nerve to reply as herself.

mirandamb @ 2009-05-15T23:28:00

2009-05-16T03:41:06Z

I am not interested in writing about what my day consisted of or how bad I feel or any of that, simply because in the large heap of things, it is naturally irrelevant. If I ignore the fact that I feel bad, it will eventually be overpowered. Not by good feelings, but at least by a sense of numbness.

Although, the boys at work taught me how to box. I feel quite confident in it.

I don't even know what is going to happen this summer.

'Oh, the torment bred in the race,
the grinding scream of death
and the stroke that hits the vein,
the hemorrhage none can staunch,
the grief,
the curse no man can bear.

But there is a cure in the house,
and not outside it, no,
not from others but from them,
their bloody strife. We sing to you,
dark gods beneath the earth.

Now hear, you blissful powers underground -
answer the call, send help.
Bless the children, give them triumph now.

Death is but crossing the world, as friends do the seas; they live in one another still. For they must needs be present, that love and live in that which is omnipresent. In this divine glass, they see face to face; and their converse is free, as well as pure. This is the comfort of friends, that though they may be said to die, yet their friendship and society are, in the best sense, every present, because immortal.

College is ovuh..

2009-04-24T17:26:10Z

We have a week left and all of my friends are going to go back home. This is exactly how it has always been for me. During the year, I have friends from school (whether it be in high school or in higher education). So now, I am going to have to stay home and work with people who do not appreciate me. All the while, I will be missing Jimmy and the summers that keep piling up where I have not seen my best friend, at all. I miss so many of them. It has been a year since Cody and I got together. It really doesn't feel like a year and I still miss him sometimes, but I am really glad that I was removed out from that situation. It's been over a year since Jake and I were together. And that's okay because I think he is happy now. I do miss him though. At least a couple of times a week.

It's gonna be just fine. I just dread it very much. And btw, Zoloft is shit.

oh well

2009-04-01T05:34:21Z

Jake texted me saying, "I forgot to tell you that the girl from the Twilight movie reminds me of you".

blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah.

ajdlkfjaldsfkjsldfjlsdfjfuckyourselflsdfkjlsdfj.

mirandamb @ 2009-03-17T19:13:00

2009-03-17T23:16:50Z

I am so sick of having to listen to people complain about not getting what they want. However, they don't do anything with their life. At all. It's not that they are depressed, it's that they are lazy.

and I deal with them because I care about them and don't want them to feel bad.

I don't know

2009-03-03T01:30:48Z

I just really hate how other people make me so insecure sometimes. Even when they don't, that feeling just remains dwindling towards me. It's frustrating. Also, it snowed last night, but it's going to be 70 degrees Sunday? I'm sick of this weather and walking across campus freezing to death.

that is all.

well well well..

2009-01-25T05:41:37Z

So, I've been very ill for the past week. I mean, ear aches, sore muscles, swollen lymph nodes, blisters on throat and blisters on swollen tonsils. All of that jazz. I had to miss 3 classes! And, oh yes, I actually had to call into work. I've never had to call into work before. Pft. I wish I could say that I am feeling better, but the only way I can possibly feel better is if I take between 3 and 4 advil. Even then, I'm much better off asleep. However, I wake myself up drooling because I can't swallow my spit because it hurts so incredibly bad.\

After all of this though, I am still even more miserable in a way. Because my best friend John's 2 year old niece was diagnosed with Leukemia the other day. She turned two only a week and a half ago. It is horrible. They had to fly her to Memphis, to start he chemotherapy treatment. Now, cancer is not a shy friend of mine. Everyone in my family ends up with cancer or diabetes. I just can't possibly imagine having to watch my baby go through all of this. Her treatment is scheduled for 3 years. And that's not including the remission period. Acute Leukemia has a very good survival percentage, it's just, the whole situation blows.

Every time the doctor walks into the room to check on her treatments and what not, Justice will say, "you're killing me! you're killing me!"

If you pray, will you please include her. We always talk about how we feel, especially when we blog, but she's fighting for her life and her right to live.

pray for John too, I hate seeing him go through this.

idk

2009-01-12T10:18:55Z

School starts back on Thursday, and I still do not have my 35 mm camera, my art supplies, or lastly, my books. I'm not gonna allow myself to be too concerned with this though, in the midst of driving myself further over the edge...

What have I been doing lately? Hmm,..I've been working a lot. That fluctuates. I've slept some. Drove a lot. Downloaded tons of music..IDK.

..Do you ever feel like you really have no idea what you want? Not like you are tugged in different directions, but that you simply have no idea what in the world is going on. You are living and walking and simply being, and that it is fine...yet you just don't know what makes you tick and rocks your socks? I don't like the way it makes me feel. It does that whole make you light headed and heart beat too fast thing.

That insight reminds me too much of Existentialism and Camus. I should turn and run before I dig myself another hole in that.

on a much lighter note...I purchased canvas already prepared rather cheap. !!!!

mirandamb @ 2008-12-20T02:00:00

2008-12-20T07:02:15Z

Right now, Kayleigh is dating a boy that she loves, and I am so confused about boys.

and we're both getting happily drunk.

thank goodness.

go to hell. not really..

2008-12-01T18:55:31Z

I don't want to feel bad anymore!! No MORE BAD NEWS!

CODY KETRON is a fucking little bitch who has bad taste in music.

Today

2008-11-29T21:30:13Z

is my birthday.

This time last year, I was in Florida with some people. I went to see mewithoutYou and Brand New. That's seriously the last time I was there, as well. RIght now it is raining and I just got back from lunch with some of the guys from work. Corbin bought my food, and this is the first time a guy has purchased my dinner in a while. :) Sooo, thanks to him! They snuck and somehow managed to tell the waiter that it was my birthday, so in turn I had icecream delivered to me. That was very thoughtful of them. I love the people I work with.

I don't know what the plans are for tonight, but I'm not really concerned with it. I'm just glad that I have good friends and family. I have a lot to be thankful for. And I'm really glad that I'm aware of this. :)

father sympathy

2008-11-26T06:32:02Z

I've been asking to be inspired. and leah inspired me.

people have attachments regardless, correct? Therefore, I am going to try and make the best of these instead of trying to dismiss them. I do think that some of the attachments are not worthwhile and that none of them should be the direct fulfilling of my happiness cage. Not yet, or until I get married. If I EVER do that. At this rate, I don't want marriage. yet, I want it now. and children.

sheesh, miranda.

not.

anyway. I'm finding out new characteristics of myself. change everyday, right? I don't think I ever fully believed that until now. Yet, I'm so pissed that it's my first year of college and I change. That's incredibly normal.

nevermind

guess what

2008-11-16T21:39:40Z

I'm finding my peace again, guys.

and it's been a really, really long time since I've had it.

i love you.

a see you later.

2008-11-14T06:46:07Z

this is gonna hurt me to write, because I have a really hard time of letting go....of anything.

All I can ask from you is that you realize that this is your fault. I was good to you, and I am still good to you. Even when you call me adn blame everything on me. Even when your so hateful. You are so mean to me, and why do I stay with you? I used to stay with you because I thought you wanted me back. And that stability and comfort helped me make it day by day. You never used to be this mean.

The thing is, I'm a broken person. I cant help that adn knowing that this is who I am, well, I live with it and overcome it. I need stability. I hate loss, and I AM very emotional. I'm sorry that boys break my heart, but I give everything I have to make it work. I love people unconditionally, yet YOU tell me that this is wrong. You tell me that 'Shit happens, and you gotta move on.' Well, dude, guess what? I am an overemotional and unstable girl that you have already began a relationship with. So, whyyyyy, just stop talking to someone that you have spent every single day with, making a lifestyle out of.

Don't you miss me at all?

I miss you so incredibly much, but God tells me that you're a jerk and can't offer me anything. I am going places in the world and I'm going to make something of myself. Something very worthwhile, and YOU need to realize what is going on. I really don't want you to feel bad. But this is not my fault. I've done everything for you. physically and mentally. That is my fault. You walked away and were mean about it.

You told me that I let everything bother me and that it's my fault. Then, you stopped contacting me. Beginning to ignore me and make that, that!

Now it's my turn to become whole. Not depending on anyone, because people let you down and thats merely human nature. I'm not mad at you. I'm just really really hurt. I wish I weren't. But everyday, I'm becoming better and further away from you.

So I guess this is me letting you go. I love you, so, so much. and I am really going to miss you. I can't eat or sleep. and I've gotta change. I hope you soon realize what has happened. And I hope that I have really and honestly moved on. I love you, Cody.

But I can't do this anymore.

mirandamb @ 2008-11-10T21:15:00

2008-11-10T21:16:55Z

I am so sick and tired of feeling bad. Please, please tell me how to overcome this. Bible verses? Anything. I cannot function with this heartbreak. I'm not being stupid, otherwise I wouldn't say anything. I'm miserable and am in torment.

Why can't I be normal and just accept things and move on?

i'm really afraid

2008-11-09T09:11:25Z

That I've reached the point in hurt and moving on. I hate it. But God has a bigger plan for me and if what I'm pursuing right now isn't working, well, you know you can't force it. Because I will fail miserably while endorsing a large amount of 'heartbreak'.

Cody means the world to me. He really helped me through mine and Jake's break up and many other things. He is my bestfriend and so much more. But I cannot be the only person to apply any effort. And while I'm doing EVERYTHING, I have to feel badly because he exhibits too small amount to notice.

If I were capable of being perfectly fine right after I cut ties from a person, I would have done it many, many times with other people. However, I'm not that person. I cannot just ignore how much fun me and the other people had at the beginning, and how I am supposed to accept change. Live change. Maybe I'm merely stubborn.

But honestly, if I have to feel bad on a daily basis because of one single person, well, that's a really bad sign. And I realize this. Yet, I still have awful anxious feelings in my stomach all the time.

27 If I say, 'I will forget my complaint, I will change my expression, and
smile,'

i hate

2008-11-02T05:31:10Z

that when you are in any kind of relationship, friendship or more, and it's going downhill and you realize that there isn't anything you can do.

I've always been a fighter to save these situations, but losing people you've made lifestyles with is just that: life.

and it hurts so bad.
I told myself that maybe God is telling me that I'm looking for comfort in the wrong places. But it just hurts, you know? To lose a friend, a boyfriend. any of that. someone you've spent so much time with from the beginning. then all the sudden, everythign begins to change. you treat one another differently. you care more and less at the same time.

and then one day, it just ends on a bad note, or even more, it just ends and you don't realize it until its too late.

i hate that.

mirandamb @ 2008-10-22T06:41:00

2008-10-22T10:42:14Z

I feel incredibly strange.

I'm angst ridden because of my relationships with other people,

how do I ignore this?

no, seriously. tell me.

mirandamb @ 2008-10-19T12:41:00

2008-10-19T16:41:40Z

Jimmy and Jake bought me a Bradley Hathaway t shirt last night!

yah.

mirandamb @ 2008-10-12T19:44:00

2008-10-12T23:44:57Z

do you ever get that anxiety feeling in your stomach and head and you have no idea why. Yet, it never goes away? It just dwindles?'

what does this mean?

hey, DONT VOTE

2008-10-05T21:16:39Z

the thing is

2008-09-27T03:53:48Z

I knew that I knew why I was so sick to my stomach. It had an importance, unlike most everything else.

please, plase, give me advice.

2008-09-22T02:04:54Z

I really wish I would obtain enough balls to just quit school. I'm very unhappy here. For two years, I planned everything around attending college in Florida. I am stuck here; the art is not what I thought it would be.

For as long as I can remember, I was aware of when I was very happy and very depressed. Right now, I have no idea how I feel and I'm so tried of it.

I could never imagine not going to school, yet I just want to travel and find a passion. I want to find a place where I am not afraid to be alone. Mentally, anyhow. Since Jake broke up with me, I have hated spending any time alone with myself, simply because I would think stuff that I could not help but think about. It's a bit pathetic, I know. And that's why I have avoided it.

I'm doing much better. Cody really does make me happy. But college gives me anxiety, and strangely enough, I don't believe its what I have needed all along.

mirandamb @ 2008-09-09T21:53:00

2008-09-10T01:54:57Z

since I have began school this fall and moved into the dorm,

I haven't been able to watch the latest episode of One Tree Hill, the last couple episodes of Project Runway, and of the new Gossip Girl

so I am not missing The Office.

No way, Jose!